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There are all sorts of things that give Lagos a bad name. If it�s not the heaps of rubbish on the roads or the unwelcome attention you get from area boys and armed robbers, then it�s the epileptic power supply. But these aren't really a problem if you're rich enough to buy a car with heavily tinted windows, live in a relatively crime free area and get a generator. The one thing that you can't get away from (unless you are drawing megawatts of power from the political grid and can get your own siren to blast your way through) is that ubiquity of the Lagos landscape, the Traffic Jam.

Now to the unschooled eye, all traffic jams are one and the same. But to the seasoned observer of Lagos traffic, there are much more subtle distinctions in the nature of the Lagos Traffic Jam. One way they can be distinguished is by their causes, which are many and varied in nature. Going by this criterion, you can identify the following categories of jams:

1. The Bad Road Traffic Jam.

Not only is this by far the most common and the most durable of all types of jams, it is also a very fertile type of jam as it gives birth to other types of jams such as the Broken Down Vehicle Traffic Jam, the Indisciplined Driver Traffic Jam, the Vehicle Accident Traffic Jam, the Flood Traffic Jam and a host of sub-jams too numerous to mention.

You'll find that a pothole is usually at the root of the problem if you dig deep enough ('scuse the pun). The pothole usually begins life as a Baby Pothole - this is a mere rut in the road that vehicles can easily pass over without slowing down. Then it grows to a Junior Pothole, by which time it's causing a slight bump to drivers and a bit of the earth underneath the tarmac is visible. Then with the help of the rains and the load imposed by vehicles on the road (which in most cases are literally digging their own graves), it keeps on growing till it attains full maturity as a Senior Pothole. By this time, cars cannot pass it without paying it due respect by slowing right down before doing a delicate ritual dance round it.

Occasionally a Senior Pothole may grow even further or merge with other Senior Potholes to become a Grandfather Pothole, at which point it now begins to demand for vehicles for 'sacrifice'. The road is now completely impassable except to helicopters, so an SOS goes out the administrator in charge, hopefully a contract is awarded, the road is 'repaired' and the cycle begins all over again.

2. The Flood Traffic Jam.

This is sometimes caused by drainage being blocked by �pure water� sachets and other rubbish, but more often it can be found together with the Bad Road Traffic Jam - in most cases, they are inseparable. The Flood Traffic Jam is the stew to the Bad Road Traffic Jam�s rice. It adds a keener edge to the chaos that potholes can cause, since now in addition to the rest of the chaos on the road, drivers now have to worry about potholes full of water that can stall their engines in a heartbeat. Fortunately for drivers (and unfortunately for mechanics), the Flood Traffic Jam is seasonal, coinciding as it does with the rainy season.

3. The Broken Down Vehicle Traffic Jam.

An offspring of the Bad Road/Flood Traffic Jam, this is not usually that serious unless it happens to be a trailer taking up an entire lane, or the owner realises that the vehicle has reached a state of permanent �pafukation� and abandons it on the road to the inconvenience of his fellow motorists.

4. The Indisciplined Driver Traffic Jam.

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You see this type of jam whenever drivers throw out the few rules that they observe while driving in Lagos in favour of the single rule: �If I can get my vehicle there, then it�s legal.� Unsurprisingly enough, this often leads to the Vehicle Accident Traffic Jam.

The major culprits here are the public transport vehicles which slow down to drop off passengers and in doing so block a lane or two. I have some sympathy for the drivers of these vehicles who are caught between a rock and a hard place - the passengers want them to stop completely so that they can get off at their leisure, and the impatient drivers behind them want them to keep on moving.

I have less sympathy for drivers who are doing a left turn but keep to the right hand lane till the very last moment, then try and worm their way left, creating a wave of disruption in their wake. The Lagos State Traffic Management Authority has introduced the use of cones to prevent people already in the right lane from changing lanes, which generally works if the LASTMA men are present - I suspect that once they leave their post, drivers think nothing of knocking over the cones to change lanes.

Even more astounding is the occasional phenomenon of the 'one-way'. This is where cars going in one direction on a dual carriageway take over the lanes going in the other direction, so that instead of five lanes going east and five lanes going west on the Mile 2 to Apapa stretch of the Apapa-Oworonsoki expressway, you have eight lanes going east and two lanes going west. (No, I still don't understand why it's called 'one-way'.) Strangely enough, this makes some sense if there is overwhelming traffic going east, but it completely messes up the traffic at the interchange junctions where every driver makes an art form of violating the highway code in order to complete his journey.

5. The Vehicle Accident Traffic Jam.

This is usually the result of Lagos drivers' belief that their car can outperform the fanciest James Bond car under any circumstance - zooming into a gap with millimeters to spare on either side - doing a U-turn without slowing down - doing motorway speeds over potholed roads - you name it, they'll try it. Of course, this is just wishful thinking when the odds are heavily stacked against the driver - James Bond never had to drive a �Tokunbo� on roads filled with potholes along with other James Bond wannabes. Fortunately. most of these jams are caused by nothing more serious than one car denting another, and what really causes the hold up is the 'shakara' that goes on afterwards.

6. The Police Checkpoint Traffic Jam.

The title is self explanatory. It wouldn�t be so bad if they chose to set up their checkpoints near a pothole, but no � it�s usually the straightest, smoothest, driest roads they choose to snarl up with their toll booths � sorry, checkpoints.

7. The Obasanjo Traffic Jam.

No, don�t ask me what this is all about. I just included it to satisfy the Obasanjo haters who believe that he is responsible for every ill that stalks the land.

8. The Evil Spirit Traffic Jam.

Occasionally you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam so bad that you believe it must be caused by the Grandfather of all Grandfather Potholes. However, when you get to the head of the queue, you find that the traffic jam clears completely for no particular reason. You have just been stuck in an Evil Spirit Traffic Jam.

Some people believe that these jams are caused by an aggrieved hawker who was cheated of his change by a motorist, and who placed a curse on the spot as a result. The more scientific minded believe that these jams are more likely Broken Down Vehicle or Police Checkpoint Jams with the vehicle or checkpoint just recently removed.

9. The High Human Density Traffic Jam.

I know that the road is for vehicles and the pavements (or what pass for pavements in Lagos) are for pedestrians and other non-road users. But there are places (like Idumota and Oshodi) where there is such a density of human beings that the mass of non-road users oozes into the road and gums up the traffic. It�s often so bad that you even have pedestrian traffic jams alongside the vehicular jams.

10. The Fuel Queue Traffic Jam.

Again, the title is self-explanatory. This type of jam is usually found near petrol stations when there is a fuel shortage, and is caused by vehicles queuing for fuel and taking up whole lanes of traffic as a result. That�s bad enough, but the tension created by a large number of drivers desperate to get hold of fuel from the small amount available at the station means that this type of jam easily spawns lots of children Vehicle Accident and Indisciplined Driver Traffic Jams.

11. 'Di Ting Wey My Eye Don See, My Mout' No Fit Talk Am!' Traffic Jam.

This is caused by any shocking, surprising or otherwise unusual sight, like an accident, a masquerade display or a roforofo fight, where motorists slow down to take a good look. It may also be caused by a display of astounding beauty in the form of the fine, fine girls of Lagos. Of course, this may also lead to further Vehicle Accident Traffic Jams.

12. Miscellaneous Traffic Jams.

These include the Student Riot Traffic Jam, the Act of God Traffic Jam, the Spontaneous Pedestrian Crossing Traffic Jam, the �Give Me My Change, Conductor� Traffic Jam and the Vindictive �Yellow Fever� Traffic Jam.

So there you have it � much loved by hawkers, mechanics, beggars, okada riders and agberos, much hated by practically everyone else - the Traffic Jam is one fixture of Lagos that isn�t about to disappear overnight.

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